Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Feeling Our Way through the Dark
Anyone identify with the title in some way? Sorry if this comes across as cynical, but I happen to feel like this quite often. It dawned on me last night, while reaching and grabbing for coffee table, book shelf, and door frame, stumbling in the direction of my bed and rest. What dawned on me was this, "This is how I've been feeling lately in the realest sense!" I feel as though I am making very slow progress, if any, all in the context of darkness. The real trouble is, in the dark it is difficult to identify markers that demonstrate where one has been, much less what is near at hand.
All of the above is well and fine, but what does it mean? I identify with a feeling or a sense, but I don't know if I am supposed to. I mean in some way I want to give the smart kid Sunday school answer here and be feeling what I am supposed to, because I am somehow at least trying to act and live in a right manner in the Church. I try to identify with the joy that Fr. Schmemman says should be innate to all Christians, and to be honest I sense it to be real. I pray to remain in constant repentance, and trust the sacraments are making it so. So what is this darkness? Is it merely the road ahead, simply a part of the journey? If you haven't caught on to my real question, it is basically am I alone in the dark, or are some of you out there as well? And finally, is this natural and normal, relatively speaking?
Anyone identify with the title in some way? Sorry if this comes across as cynical, but I happen to feel like this quite often. It dawned on me last night, while reaching and grabbing for coffee table, book shelf, and door frame, stumbling in the direction of my bed and rest. What dawned on me was this, "This is how I've been feeling lately in the realest sense!" I feel as though I am making very slow progress, if any, all in the context of darkness. The real trouble is, in the dark it is difficult to identify markers that demonstrate where one has been, much less what is near at hand.
All of the above is well and fine, but what does it mean? I identify with a feeling or a sense, but I don't know if I am supposed to. I mean in some way I want to give the smart kid Sunday school answer here and be feeling what I am supposed to, because I am somehow at least trying to act and live in a right manner in the Church. I try to identify with the joy that Fr. Schmemman says should be innate to all Christians, and to be honest I sense it to be real. I pray to remain in constant repentance, and trust the sacraments are making it so. So what is this darkness? Is it merely the road ahead, simply a part of the journey? If you haven't caught on to my real question, it is basically am I alone in the dark, or are some of you out there as well? And finally, is this natural and normal, relatively speaking?
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